Well fellas, Loveland put up 0 points this week and my marriage may never recover.
I started him with confidence, put him in all of my 50c parlays to win $100k+ (it’ll hit one day), and told my wife before kickoff “This is the week.”
She asked who Colston Loveland was. I told her “You’ll know by tonight.”
She does now.
By halftime, I had switched from beer to whiskey. By the fourth quarter, I was standing three feet from the TV whispering just one catch please.
Nothing. Not a catch. Not a yard. Not even one pity point to prove he existed.
My wife came downstairs hours after the game ended and asked why I was drinking alone in the dark.
I told her Loveland had zero points.
She stared at me and told me she thinks we need couples therapy.
Apparently, I’ve been “emotionally unavailable” and “too obsessed with fantasy football.”
Now she’s asking if Tuesday works for therapy.
Lady, Tuesday is waiver night.
Anyway, I’m starting him again next week because apparently I enjoy pain.
Disclaimer: Satire, obviously. Please do not contact my wife.
